Go Deep Part Two

I found a key to happiness.

It opened up inside me and said "here!" Now I vow to keep it open at all times. It has quieted my mind, changed the tone of my voice, has me seeking ways of correcting my bad decisions, letting go of all negativity and preventing me from being critical of myself. What a wonderful thing right?

Nothing more than self-love. Nothing more than finally, after all these years listening to my heart and deciding to hear it. To not flinch, look away or make excuses...to really listen this time and it's become so wonderful. Such a wonderful Christmas gift to myself.

I can't even remember what the bitterness felt like, or the disappointments...they are literally gone. It's like breaking an addiction. I cannot remember what it was like to crave a cigarette either, but I can see it is strangely in the same category of past actions I can no longer identify with. To me, it's a miracle! I never hoped that I'd be healed in such a fast, profound way.

I see the show now as being near to some type of explosion. I see myself being laid out by it, flattened in fact. Physically I was literally exhausted. To the point where I could not even think of time I had felt that wiped out, tired and generally depleted of all energy. Emotionally I was raw, the worst of my fears and self hate came to the forefront. I was wallowing in self-pity and loathing, even though I did it! I achieved my hearts desire! I produced after many years of hoping wishing and praying it would happen, I did it! Still, I was not happy, not satisfied.

After the blast I've been reeling from the emotional and intellectual torture of the show. Why didn't I finish this? Why did I let that go? Why did I allow this dance to be this way? So many small picky sores I would not let heal. I can't explain why things are different for me today than they were yesterday. I believe I have found that I have everything I need. I am confident that I am filled with light and can suddenly feel it! I have a new heart growing in me and it FEELS so good! Mainly, I think I have allowed myself to feel and thus I am healing from the inside out. I highly recommend forgiving oneself of all imperfections and stopping the nasty hateful self loathing chatter in the head. I know it is working for me.

Plus it's Christmas- the Scrooge story, the multiple stories of growing a new heart (Grinch anyone?) are all influences, for me, this time, it is going to stick. The new me has finally arrived! She looks just like the old me! Hooray! I love her!